Not Fair

It’s Monday, and I got a whopping 10 hours of sleep last night. Sounds great, right?! It was. BUT, I’m still recovering from a major surgery so those 10 hours probably got me about 8 hours of rest with all the tossing and turning that happens every night. I realized that I probably need that much sleep every night to maintain my life right now. Who has time for that? I felt rested this morning, but by the afternoon was feeling quite sleepy and pulled out a cup of coffee around 4PM. In my 4PM meeting, my coworkers were chatting about a cool meal plan that you can pick up from a local market. It saves you time from cooking. It’s awesome, but I can’t use it because of my gluten allergy. As I drove to Whole Foods to pick up some hot food that I paid way too much money for, I started reflecting on my day. It wasn’t a bad day by any stretch, but it kind of depressed me. Hearing others talk about their lives and the solutions that apply to them makes me realize how few solutions apply so readily to me. I know there are a lot of people who struggle much more than I do, and I have so many blessings to count. BUT, there are also so many people that I’m around every day (especially at work) who have so few life struggles. I’m sure I don’t know all of their struggles, but I can assume certain amounts based on how well I know them and our conversations. Instead, I think about my life and how having a C-section from my second ectopic pregnancy (still with no kids to speak of) caused my back to deteriorate into the chronic back pain that I know so well, which of course leads to chronic neck pain. And, I was reminded of my gluten allergy today, after spending several hours yesterday talking about my childhood abuse. The frustrating thing is that my most prevalent struggle is my gluten allergy. That struggle I can connect with a community about. The others are so rare (childhood abuse isn’t exactly a club, especially severe emotional abuse even if it is more prevalent) that I don’t even have communities to help me figure out how to get through them. There’s no multiple ectopics community! The chronic back pain community is on average 40-50 years older than me. Thinking about all of this just puts this struggle into perspective. This is the daily struggle that we face when we’re trying to get through something awful. It’s not big and eventful. It’s a daily grind and push to stay positive and keep moving. Today, I’m frustrated, but I know I’ll get over it. I’ve been doing this long enough to know that there’s light at the end of this tunnel. Give me 2 months, and I’ll get out of back, neck, and post-surgery pain. Mark my words! At the end of a day where you’re realizing how hard the struggle is, just keep moving forward one step at a time because you’ll eventually make it to the end of the tunnel. (And…shortly after writing this, I burst into a 30 min fit of tears while venting to my husband. It’s all part of the process though…No changes to my promise!) -03/06/2017

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